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\A 



Handy Solomon. 




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HANDY SOLOMON 



B ffarce fn ©tie Bet 



BY 

RALPH W. TAG 



Copyright, 1914, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Ann Street 



HANDY SOLOMON. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. John Winthrop 

Mr. John Winthrop Her husband 

Miss Helen Carruthers Mrs. Winthrop' 8 college chum 

Solomon Sofransky An old clothes dealer 

Time. — The prensent. Locality. — New York City. 

Time op playing. — Twenty minutes. 

COSTUMES ANE CHARACTERISTICS. 

Mrs. Winthrop wears a pretty house dress. 

Helen Carruthers wears a traveling suit. 

Sofransky wears a loose fitting coat, battered silk hat, red 
necktie, loud patterned shirt, baggy trousers, suspenders with 
a large buckle, and spats of a loud pattern. He carries a small 
satchel on first entrance. 

Mr. Winthrop wears an ordinary business suit. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Pearl necklace in a box, handkerchief, business card, small 
satchel, ball of twine and stage money for Solomon Sofransky. 
Purse in table drawer containing stage money for Mrs. Win- 
throp. Stage money for 3K$.\ Winthrop and Helen Carru- 
thers. Bell off stage. ...* 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, r. 
means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of stage; c. d., door 
center of rear flat; r. d., door right; up means toward back of 
stage; down, toward footlights. 



JAN 22 1914 

QCID 35741 



HANDY SOLOMON. 



SCENE. — A prettily arranged room in the Winthrop home. 
Afternoon. Doors at r. and c. Small table down l. with 
writing material on it. Other furniture arranged to suit. 
DISCOVERED Mrs. Winthrop writing at table. 

Mrs. Winthrop. There, everyone has answered and that 
much is done, thank goodness. I'm glad no one refused. To- 
morrow is my birthday and the first anniversary of our wed- 
ding. We are going to have a big party— my first party. I've 
finished nearly all my preparations and the inactivity is get- 
ting on my nerves. I do wish Helen would come. I wonder 
what on earth can be keeping her. (Bell rings off stage) Well, 
there she is now, I'll bet. 

ENTER Helen Carruthers, c. d. 

Helen. Well, here I am at last — all ready to help out with 
that wonderful party. 

Mrs. W. Oh, I'm so glad you are here. (They kiss) I'm 
beginning to get nervous, I can't help feeling that something 
will go wrong at the last moment. 

Helen. Nonsense, dear. Now tell me, what remains to be 
done? 

Mrs. W. That's just it. There is practically nothing left 
undone and I'm getting nervous doing nothing. I sent for a 
piano-tuner; they said they would try to get a man here this 
afternoon, but he hasn't put in an appearance as yet. I wish 
he would come. When he gets through I shall be all done with 
my preparations. 

Helen. Well, don't worry, the afternoon is still young. 

Mrs. W. Oh, what do you think, John has engaged some 
real Hawaiian singers to entertain us. 

Helen. Oh, isn't that fine. But I too have some good newSr 

Mrs. W. Oh, what is it? 

3 



4 Handy Solomon. 

Helen. Mother gave me the address of a real chef and I've 
written him to come here this afternoon or to-morrow morn- 
ing. Mother says he is an excellent cook and you can depend 
on it that mother knows a good cook when she sees one. 
Mother says his services can be obtained at a very reasonable 
figure. 

Mrs. W. A real French chef? 

Helen. I don't know whether he is French or not, but I'm 
sure he is a fine cook or mother wouldn't say he was. Do you 
want him? 

Mrs. W. Why, of course, I shall be delighted. But— all the 
things are already ordered. What can we do? 

Helen. Oh, that will be all right. In fact, that makes it all 
the easier for him. Don't you see, he can take the things 
you have ordered and make them up in some wonderful way 
like only those foreign chefs can. 

Mrs. W. That will be fine. Oh, isn't everything coming out 
splendidly. But there now, I've kept you here talking with all 
your things on. How inconsiderate of me. Come, let me show 
you your room. 

Helen. Oh, that's all right, I don't mind. 

[EXIT Mrs. W. and Helen c. d. 

Sofransky (off stage, talking in expostulating Hebrew 
tones). Isch sclaben gevelt du lowlifer Irisher, du feirheimer 
ge moich Yitsock moich, etc. (Appears at c. d. and stands 
there a few moments before entering, talking back off stage 
over right shoulder) You mind your own business, you low- 
lifer what you are. Don't make it a interference with a busi- 
ness man. (ENTERS' c. d., goes down stage) Vot you tink 
for dot. Dot dirty Irisher cook says I shouldn't come by here. 
Oi, yoi, me, the best old clothes man in the city. Top-notch 
prices — five dollars for suit or overcoat, two dollars for pants 
or coat, fifty cents for vest and ten cents for pajamas. Can 
you beat them? Und that Irisher says I should go avay. Oi, 
yoi, such a ignorance. (Takes handkerchief from pocket, 
wipes face, and in doing so lets a card fall) Oi, vat you tink 
— (Takes small black box from pocket) I vas comink down 
by Perry street just now ven I sees dis box on de street. I pick 
it up and look vat is it. (Holds up necklace) A regular five 
and ten cent store vun. Now ven Rachel have a birthday I 
don't need I should buy her notink. By golly, dat's a savink. 
(Sound of approaching footsteps heard off stage) Ha, ha, 
someone is comink. Right avay I make it a fine bargain. 



Handy Solomon. $ 

(Strikes an attitude. ENTER Mbs. Winthrop c. d.) Good 
afternoon, lady. (Tips hat) 

Mrs. W. Oh, how do you do. You are the piano-tuner? 

Sofransky (aside) . Ha, ha, she tinks I am it de piano- 
tuner. (Aloud) Say, lady 

Mrs. W. Now I want you to do your very best with our 
piano, and if you do, I'll see that there is something in it for 
you. 

Sofransky. Oh, for vy you didn't say so right avay. Sure 
I'm it de piano-tuner. Terms in advance. 

Mrs. W. In advance? Why, I never had to pay in advance 
before. 

Sofransky. I couldn't help that, lady. Dat's a new rule. 

Mrs. W. Oh well, I suppose it doesn't make much difference 
one way or the other. (Goes to table and takes money from 
purse) Here is five dollars, and you may keep the change. 
But be sure you earn the extra money. 

Sofransky. Sure, you should worry. (Takes money) All 
right, I call around some time ven de piano is in. (Starts for 
c. D.) 

Mrs. W. Here, stop. The piano is here now. 

Sofransky. You don't mean it. Veil, all right, vere is it? 

Mrs. W. Right in the next room. Now be sure you put it 
in good shape, because we are going to have some good singers 
here. 

Sofransky. I put a shape on it so its own mother won't 
know it. (Starts toward r. d. Turns) You're goink to have 
it good singkers? 

Mrs. W. Yes. 

Sofransky. Yiddisher singkers? 

Mrs. W. (laughs). Why, no. 

Sofransky. Veil, vere do dey come from — a barber shop? 

Mrs. W. No. Hawaii. 

Sofransky (tips hat). I'm pretty good, tanks, how is your- 
self. (He understands her to ask "How are you I') 

Mrs. W. What can he mean? (Aside) I don't like his 
familiarity. 

Sofransky. Vere did you say dese singkers come from? 

Mrs. W. (irritably). Hawaii. 

Sofransky (tips hat). I'm all right, tanks, how's your- 
self? (Aside) By golly, dot's a perlite lady. I should be per- 
lite too. (To Mrs. Winthrop) How's de mama? 

Mrs. W. (laughs). What can he be driving at? 



6 Handy Solomon. 

Sofransky. Say, I am feelink pretty good, my whole family 
is feelink pretty good. Vere did you say dese singkers come 
from? 

Mrs. W. (sharply). Honolulu. 

Sofransky (aside) . Honey Lulu. Dot's vot her husband 
calls her. By golly I know vat it is de metter. She's crazy. 
(Eyes her suspiciously) 

Mrs. W. Well, now that you know all about our singers, let 
me show you the piano. 

Sofransky (picking up satchel). Is it a big vun? 

Mrs. W. No, it is a baby grand. 

Sofransky. Ha, ha, you mean dot new sonk, "A BABY 

doll:' 

Mrs. W. This way, please. (Sofransky EXITS r. d.) 
What a queer man he is. He is the first foreigner they ever 
sent me, still he looks as though he might have a musical ear. 
I hope he is good. (Loud crash is heard off stage, made by 
dropping a flat board on the floor. ENTER Sofransky r. d., 
holding one foot in his hand and hopping along on the other) 

Sofransky. Yitsock moich du sclaben gevelt go to gefilter 
fish. 

Mrs. W. Why, what have you done? 

Sofransky. I vas takink de top off ven bing she hits me 
on de toe. Oi, yoi, piano-tunink, dot's no business — old clothes 
dot's a business. 

Mrs. W. Well, you must be careful or you will ruin the 
piano. 

Sofransky. I should worry. It pretty near ruined me al- 
ready. (Aside) By golly, I vish I could make a excape. 

Mrs. W. Well, are you going to stand there all day? You 
don't want me to do your work for you do you? 

Sofransky. Oi, no, I vouldn't have you help me for de woild. 

[EXITS r. d. 

Mrs. W. He certainly doesn't seem to be very competent. 
Dear me, I'm getting worried, I wish John would come home. 
(Noise off stage, made by hitting piece of metal with hammer, 
followed by a rattling noise made by moving tin cans tied to- 
gether) Oh Heavens! What can he be doing? (Noise con- 
tinues, Mrs. Winthrop puts her fingers to her ears and paces 
up and down stage. There is an extra loud bang and Sofran- 
sky comes rushing on stage in shirt sleeves, holding hand to 
face) 

Sofransky. By golly, it bit me. 



Handy Solomon. 7 

Mbs. W. Bit you? 

Sofransky. Yep. I vas tunink de Q strink ven sometinks 
flies out und hits me right in de face. Oi, yoi, piano-tunink, 
dot's no business — old clothes — dot's a business. 

Mrs. W. Heavens, man, you must have broken a string. 

Sofransky. Oh, is dat vot it vas? All right, I fix him right 
avay. {Takes ball of twine from pocket) [EXITS r. d. 

Mrs. W. What a man! He will drive me crazy. The next 
time I send down to Smith's for a piano-tuner, I'll know it. 
(Noises heard again) Oh, I can't stand it any longer, I'm 
going to my room till he is finished. (Walks to r. d., looking 
off stage) What a mess! Well, I can only hope that he will 
leave the stool. [EXITS c. d. 

ENTER Sofransky b. d. 

Sofransky. Oi, by golly, no more piano-tunink for me. A 
Jew's harp will I- tune, a piano never. (Looks around room) 
Dot's a fine place. I bet dey got it money. 

ENTER Helen c. d. 

Helen. Gracious, what a racket. Must have been the serv- 
ants in the kitchen. I'm sure I wouldn't tolerate such noisy 
servants in my house. (Sees Sofransky) Oh, the chef. 
(To Sofransky) How do you do? I'm so glad you were able 
to get here this afternoon. 

Sofransky (tips hat). How are you? (Aside) By golly, 
she expects me. I guess may be she's crazy too. 

Helen. Won't you sit down? (Aside) He certainly isn't 
French. 

Sofransky. Oh, well, I don't care if I do. (Seats himself) 
It don't cost nothink. 

Helen. Mother told me all about you and what a wonder- 
ful cook you are. 

Sofransky (aside). Cook! By golly, she tinks it I am a 
cook. Do I look like a Irisher? 

Helen. We are having a little affair here to-morrow night, 
and I thought perhaps you wouldn't mind getting up a few 
dishes for us. 

Sofransky. Dey keep der dishes in de cellar? Oi, yoi, dot's 
a house. (To Helen) When I have to be cook? 

Helen. To-morrow night. 



8 Handy Solomon. 

Sofeansky. All right, I am it de cook. Terms, in advance. 

Helen. In advance? Isn't that rather unusual? 

Sofeansky. I couldn't help that, lady. Dot's a new rule 
in the Platter Polisher's Union. 

Helen. Oh, well, I suppose it doesn't make much difference 
one way or the other. Now— er— -as to reimbursement— er. 

Sofeansky (aside). Re in basement? What's dot? 

Helen. I said what is your usual charge? 

Sofeansky. Charge? Oh, dot's different. Veil, I tell you, 
I make it a special price for five dollars. 

Helen. Five dollars. (Aside) How cheap! 

Sofeansky. Yep; I wouldn't cook for my own mother for 
less. 

Helen. That is quite satisfactory, I assure you. Here is 
your money. (Gives him Mil) NOw, let me tell you what we 
are planning to have. 

Sofeansky (aside). I tink I get out of here quick. 

Helen. We thought of having some filet de mignon and 
some pate* de fois gras, now how would you serve the pate de 
fois gras? 

Sofeansky. I wouldn't have dot stuff at all. Dot's no 
good. 

Helen. Indeed. Well, what would you suggest in its place? 

Sofeansky. Veil, I tell you. Put it down some nom de 
plumes. Dot's a fine ting. (Aside) By golly, dot's a good vun, 
I hear dot in " Nellie de Beautiful Cloak and Suit Model." 

Helen (laughs, aside). He is ridiculing the French dishes. 
Evidently he doesn't approve of French cooking. (To 
Sofeansky) Of course you understand you are to have a free 
hand. We are not particular what we have, so long as it is 
good. We would like to have a large variety; however, you 
know a little bit of everything. 

Sofeansky. Sure. I know. You want hash. 

Helen (laughs). He is a barrel of fun. (To Sofeansky) 
Come now, let me introduce you to the regular cook and the 
waitress. 

Sofeansky. I should go by dot Irisher cook? 

Helen. Yes, Bridget is Irish, but she is very pleasant and 
I am sure you will get along with her. 

Sofeansky. A Irisher get along, with me? Sure, just like 
a cat and dog. 

Helen. Oh, you misjudge her, I'm sure. 

Sofeansky (aside). By golly, I might meet the udder vun 



Handy Solomon. 9 

and she might have it some more pianos. (To Helen) No, 
I can't go to-day, I got a date to kill a rabbi. 

Helen. Oh, but you must. I won't have time to-morrow. 
Come, it will only take a few moments. Follow me. (Goes 
toward c. d. ) 

Sofransky (follows her). I see my finish ven dot Irisher 
cook gets me down dere. (Helen and Sofransky EXIT c. d. 
Sofransky heard talking off stage) Oi, yoi, cooking, dot's no 
business. Old clothes dot's a business. 

ENTER John Winthrop c. d., throws hat and coat on chair. 

Winthrop. Great Scott, what a predicament! On my way 
downtown this morning I stopped off at the jewellers and got a 
necklace to present to-morrow to my wife. I put it in my vest 
pocket and I know I had it when I went out to lunch, and, 
confound the luck, I also know that I didn't have it when I got 
back. The worst of it is, I am sure it was picked from my 
pocket while I was in a cafe. I went out to lunch with a 
buyer from Boston and he insisted upon getting a drink. I 
strongly suspect that while we were in there "my pocket was 
picked. If Mary, with her prohibition ideas, ever gets on to 
the fact that I went into a cafe, I might as well put on my 
hat and be on my way. There is a slight possibility that I 
lost it on the street, but I can hardly believe that. I remem- 
ber having stooped over to recover a paper I dropped, and it 
might have fallen out then, though why I wouldn't have 
heard it, is a mystery to me. No, the more I think of it the 
surer I am, that my pocket was picked. I've been all the 
afternoon looking for it and I'm all in. (Stinks down in 
chair) As a last resort I telephoned to Hogan's detective 
agency to send their best man at once. I told them to be sure 
to instruct him to keep his business a secret, so that Mary will 
not get on to it. Oh, what a mess ! And to say nothing about 
coolly dropping five hundred dollars. (Rises, walks up and 
down) 

ENTER Sofransky c. d., counting money. 

Sofransky. By golly, dot's a good day's business. 
Winthrop (sees him and starts). Sh, sh, sh. (Makes 
gestures of silence) 

Sofransky. Veil, vot you tink of dat? 



10 Handy Solomon. 

Wintheop. Not a sound. 

Sofeansky. Dot's right, I don't hear notink. 

Winthbop. Do they know you're here? 

Sofeansky (pocketing money, aside). Dey'll know I been 
here ven dey count der money. 

Wintheop (glances off e.). Good, there is no one around. 
Sit down and let me state the case. 

Sofeansky (seats himself, aside). Dey all vant I should sit 
down. 

Wintheop. By George, that's a splendid make-up you've 
got there, and you play your part well. Say, do you know, 
you look like a comic supplement. 

Sofeansky (aside). Comic subblement? Vot's dat? I hear 
of dis corrosive subblement, but I never hear of dis comic 
subblement. 

Wintheop. How did you happen to be in there? 

Sofeansky. I vas down by de Irisher cook. 

Wintheop. Oh, you came in by the kitchen. Good. Then 
my wife did not see you? 

Sofeansky. Sure, she see me. Dere's two of dem. One 
tinks I am it de piano-tuner, and de other vun tinks I am it a 
chief. 

Wintheop (laughs). Good work. 

Sofeansky (aside). I'll bet dis fellar tinks I am a dog- 
catcher. 

Wintheop. They told me at your office what a good 
detective you are. 

Sofeansky (aside). Detective! By golly, I vouldn't be 
surprised to hear I vas J. P. Morgan! 

Wintheop. The facts are these. On my way downtown this 
morning I stopped off at the jewellers and got a necklace for 
my wife. I went from there direct to my office and did not go 
out again until 1 o'clock, when I still had the necklace in this 
pocket. (Indicates vest pocket) I took lunch with a customer 
and he insisted upon going into a cafe. Understand? 

Sofeansky. Sure, you wanted to get a rattle for de baby. 

Wintheop. Well, while we were in there, a man came in 
who was evidently under the weather — you know, pifflicated. 

Sofeansky. Sure, I know — he vas lit. 

Wintheop. That's it. Well, in the course of his wander- 
ings he lurched against me, and I have reason to believe he 
was a pickpocket feigning drunkenness, for when I got back 



Handy Solomon. 11 

to my office the necklace was gone. It is just possible that 1 
dropped it on the street, but I can hardly believe that. 

Sofransky (starts). Vere is dis place? 

Winthrop. On Perry Street, near Main. 

Sofransky (aside). By golly, dot's vere I find dis vun. 
(To Winthrop) For how much costs dis necklace? (Takes 
it out of pocket unseen by Winthrop) 

Winthrop. Five hundred dollars. 

Sofransky. Moisseltoff! (Aside) You'd never know it. It 
looks like a real ten cents' vun. 

Winthrop. If you can find it I'll give you twenty-five 
dollars for yourself, besides the fee of your agency. 

Sofransky. All right, I find him. 

Winthrop. Do you think you can locate it in the pawn 
shops? The thief is sure to pawn it. 

Sofransky. Sure, don't you never mind. You should worry. 
I find him. 

Winthrop. By George, do you really think you can find it? 
But mind you, my wife musn't know a thing about this, and 
for Heaven's sake, get it back here before to-morrow night. 

Sofransky. Sure. I bring it back to-night. (Rises) 

Winthrop. What, to-night? Say, if you can do that I'll 
make your bonus fifty dollars. 

Sofransky. For how much if I bring it back in ten 
minutes? 

Winthrop (laughs). Ah, but this is no joking matter with 
me, far from it. You'd better get along now and see what 
you can do. There is a chance, you know, that I lost it on the 
street after all, in which case I fear it is gone for good. 

Sofransky. Dot's all right. I get him. 

Winthrop. Have you a clue? 

Sofransky (aside). He wants it some glue. (To Winthrop) 
What's de metter? Did you break sometink? 

Winthrop. Hush, here comes my wife. Be off. (Hustles 
Sofransky to c. d.) [EXIT Sofransky c. d. 

ENTER Mrs. Winthrop and Helen r. d. 

Mrs. Winthrop. Oh, hullo, John, I didn't know you were 
here. 

Winthrop. Hullo dear, I just this minute got in. (To 
Helen) How do you do, Helen? (They shake hands) It's 
very good of you to help Mary out with her party. 



1& Handy Solomon. 

Helen. Oh, I'm glad to be able to do it, I'm sure. 

Mrs. Winthrop. Oh, Helen, tell John about the chef. 

Helen. Oh, yes. I've engaged a real chef to cook for us 
to-morrow night. Mother recommended him to me and I 
know he's a dandy. He was just here and oh, you ought to 
see him. He's the funniest thing you could imagine, wore a 
shabby high hat and talks with a decided Jewish accent. He 
certainly presents a peculiar appearance, but then all geniuses 
are odd. They have to be or people wouldn't recognize them 
as geniuses. 

Winthrop. You say he was just here, and wore a high hat? 
(Helen nods) Well, if I were you, I wouldn't depend too 
much on these foreigners, for they are never reliable, you know. 
I wouldn't be at all surprised if he never came back at all. 

Mrs. Winthrop. Why John, what a kill- joy you are. 

Helen. Well, if he doesn't come back I'm going to sit right 
down and cry.^ 

Winthrop. Oh, no, Helen. Now you mustn't take it like 
that. He'll probably come back, of course, but I thought 
you had better be prepared in case he didn't keep his word. 
That's a failing these chefs have. But don't be alarmed we 
shall get along nicely with Bridget in case he doesn't show up. 

Mrs. Winthrop. Well, just to turn the conversation away 
from a gloomy subject, let me tell you about the piano-tuner 
who was here to-day. Oh, he was the most peculiar person 
I ever saw and said the funniest things. I couldn't under- 
stand more than half he said. Helen's description of the 
chef suits him to a T, only he didn't look much like a cook, 
in fact after seeing him work I should say he was mora of 
a plumber than anything else. (Winthrop laughs) Why, 
John, what are you laughing at? Do tell us the joke. 

Winthrop. Why, I was laughing at your description of the 
piano-tuner. Say, wouldn't it be a joke if the chef and the 
piano-tuner were one and the same man? 

Mrs. Winthrop. What an absurd idea! 

Helen. I wonder if it could be. Did your piano-tuner wear 
a red necktie? (Mrs. Winthrop nods) and a frock coat? 
(Mrs. Winthrop nods) And was he decidedly Hebraic in his 
appearance? (Mrs. Winthrop nods) 

Mrs. Winthrop. Gracious ! You don't mean to tell me you 
think they were the same? 

Helen. Well, there is something decidedly queer about it, 
that's all I can say. 



Handy Solomon. 13 

Winthrop. It looks as if the joke were on you two. 

Helen. Well, seeing that I paid him in advance, I fail to 
see where the joke comes in. 

Mrs. Winthrop. You paid him in advance? That's funny, 
so did I. 

Winthrop. What, you paid him in advance? (Aside) 
Great Scott, this fellow plays the game for all there is in it. 

Helen (sees card on floor). What's this? (Picks it up and 
reads) Solomon Sofransky, Top-notch prices for Old Clothes. 
Five dollars for suit or overcoat, two dollars for coat or pants, 
fifty cents for vest and ten cents for pajamas. Where do you 
suppose that came from? 

Mrs. Winthrop. Why, I'll wager he was an old clothes man 
who fooled us both. 

Winthrop (aside). Both! You mean all. 

ENTER Sofransky c. d., hurriedly. 

Mrs. Winthrop. The piano-tuner ! 

Helen. The chef! 

Winthrop. The detective! 

Sofransky (stops upon seeing Mrs. Winthrop, bows). How 
are you? How's de baby doll? (To Helen) How de do? 
How's de hash? (Aside to Winthrop) I've got him. 

Winthrop. You've got it! 

Sofransky. Yep. (Holds out hand for money and gives 
necklace to Winthrop) 

Mrs. Winthrop. What does this mean? 

Helen. How dare you represent yourself as a chef when 
you aren't? 

Sofransky (backing up). Don't shoot lady, I'm a detective. 

Mrs. Winthrop. A detective? 

Sofransky. Dot's I. (Pulls back vest, displaying suspender 
buckle) Piano-tunink, chief, dot's no business. Detective, dot's 
a business. 

Mrs. Winthrop. You are a detective, what do you mean? 

Sofransky. Sure, I'm a detective. (To Winthrop) Ain't 
it? 

Winthrop. Let me explain. I bought a necklace for you, 
Mary, and it was stolen from me. I hired this gentleman to 
find it, and you see how well he has succeeded. (Gives her 
necklace) Here it is. 

Mrs. Winthrop. Oh, John, isn't it a beauty! 



14 Handy Solomon. 

Helen. Oh, how splendid! 

Sofeansky. Fifty dollars, please. 

Wintheop. Gladly, my dear sir. But how did you find it so 
quickly? 

Helen. But that doesn't explain where this came from. 
(Holds up card) 

Wintheop. Oh, doubtless that is part of the disguise. 

Sofeansky. Sure, dot's part of de disgust. 

Wintheop (aside). I wonder if he is the old clothes man, 
after all. I'll try him out. (Takes money from pocket. To 
Maey) Oh, by the way, Mary, you might send those old 
clothes of mine down to the Salvation Army to-morrow. 

Sofeansky. Don't you do it. Believe me, I pay top-notch 
prices for old clothes. 

Wintheop. So you are the old clothes man, after all. - 

Sofeansky (aside). Oh, by golly, Moisseltoff! (To Win- 
theop) Dot's a fake. I ain't de old clothes man, I'm a 
detective. 

Wintheop (laughs). None of that now. y Come, tell us how 
you happened to have the necklace. 

Sofeansky (sheepishly). I find him on de street. 

Wintheop. So I did lose it after all. Well, the joke's on us, 
but as we have the necklace we can afford to be lenient. 

Mbs. Wintheop. Oh, John, why not engage him to enter- 
tain the guests to-morrow night. 

Helen. That would be a novelty, indeed. 

Wintheop. Not a bad idea at all. Solomon, can you sing? 

Sofeansky. Singk? Sure, I can singk like a Jew duck. 

Wintheop. Good! I'll tell you what I'll do. If you come 
and sing for us to-morrow night I'll give you the fifty dollars 
anyhow. 

Sofeansky. I tell you, dot's a business. You want I should 
singk? 

Wintheop. Sure, go ahead. 

Sofeansky. All right. Believe me, old clothes, piano-tunink, 
chief, detective — dot's no business — singking, dot's a business. 
(Music strikes up. Mbs. Wintheop, Helen and Me. Wintheop 
take chairs up stage. CURTAIN after song, which is loudly 
applauded by them. If Sofeansky gives encore, he is to have 
stage alone) 

CURTAIN. 



Entertainments and Novelties 



YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 25 cent.. An original, 

very humorous entertainment in one scene. By Eleanor Maud Crane. Arranged 
for 4 male characters, consisting of the Schoolmaster and 3 members of the School 
Committee ; 5 lady visitors, one of them having designs on the Schoolmaster, and 18 
scholars, 9 being boys and 9 girls, more or less as circumstances demand, and 
exceedingly ludicrous if acted by grown-up persons dressed as children. The scene is 
an old-fashioned country schoolroom. The proceedings occupy two sessions ; the 
morning session being devoted to examination of the classes, general exercises and a 
spelling bee. In the afternoon session are recitations, reading of essays and songs, 
distribution of prizes, and presentation of a testimonial to the Schoolmaster by the 
scholars. 

RIDING THE GOAT. 15 cents. A burlesque initiation in a lodge of 
the " Sovereign Union of the Emancipated Husbands," by O. E. Young. 12 male 
characters, also the wives of all of them (performed by males), and 2 attendant imps ; 
associate members and their wives, ad libitum. Time, x% hours. The cast includes 
a Dutchman, an Irishman, a Yankee and a Darkey. The proceedings are intensely 
funny with a roaring climax. Just the thing for a club where a large cast is desired. 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE, The. 25 cents. An eccentric 
entertainment in two acts, by N. H. Pelham. 6 male, 9 female characters, also 6 
children, 4 of them boys smd 2 girls. Two interior scenes. Costumes, characteristic. 
Time, 2 hours. A widow lady and two daughters become suddenly destitute. A rich 
old man proposes to marry the elder daughter and support them all. The daughters 
run away and start a Matrimonial Exchange. Applicants arrive, consisting of a bank- 
rupt nobleman, two wealthy females in search of a titled husband, a song and dance 
actor, an animal trainer, two actresses, a policeman, a wash-lady with four performing 
children, and an Irish widow. In addition to the comical situations, the introduction 
of specialties affords ample opportunity for the display of the capabilities of each ap- 
plicant. Matters are finally arranged to the satisfaction of all concerned. 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT, An. 25 cents, a musical and 

dramatic entertainment for 4 male and. 4 female characters, forming a double quartet. 
This is not a negro minstrel show, contains no boisterous jokes nor conundrums, and is 
without a vestige of " Tambo " or " Bones," or the conventional stage darkey. It is a 
simple but 'vivid representation of life " in de quarters," embellished with song and 
story illustrating some of the quaint superstitions and frolicsome merry-makings of the 
mellow-voiced race. Thoroughly bright throughout, the text is uncommonly well 
written, and the succession of incidents skilfully contrived, while its transitions from 
grave to gay are wonderfully effective. The scene, a simple interior, can be arranged 
on any platform ; some old garments and a little discarded finery will suffice for the 
costumes; the "properties are few and simple, and the music within the capacity of 
fairly good voices, such as any ordinary church choir contains. 

GREAT LIBEL CASE, The* 15 cents. A new mock trial, by Harry 
£. Shellano. 21 males. 8 leading characters and 13 jurymen (1 excused). A roaring 
travesty of proceedings in court in the backwoods of Kentucky. The war experiences 
of the defendant, a bogus colonel, and the personalities of a jury of mixed nationalities 
and occupations, make this trial a screaming farce. It plays a whole evening. 

CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI CONEYISKEY, The. 

(An Anarchist.) 15 cents. A new Mock Trial, by Harry E. Shelland. 27 male, 
1 female (usually played by a male) characters. The latest and most amusing 
mock trial published. Good Tramp, French, German, Irish, Negro and Jew parts. 
Plays a whole evening. 

NOTE. The plays quoted in the foregoing pages are selected 
from a more comprehensive list. A complete descriptive 
catalogue of all of the plays published by us will be 
mailed postpaid on request. 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann St., New York 



THE EAST SIDERS 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts, by ANTHONY E. WILLi 

PRICE, 25 CENTS 

CHARACTERS 

Emil Schultz, an old tailor Old German 

Paul Albers, in his employ Character Heavy 

James Keegan, a typical New Yorker Comedy 

Robert Perry, an actor Lead 

Daniel Jarvis, a prosperous merchant Character old man 

Clarence Frothingham, a dry-goods clerk Dude 

Officer McNally, a policeman Comedy 

Otto Werner, a street musician German comedy 

Mrs. Schultz, the tailor's wife Old lady comedy 

Edna Schultz, her daughter Lead 

Lieutenant Brockway, a Salvation lassie Straight 

Dolly Hammond, who lives upstairs Soubrette 

One Interior Stage-setting. — Time, 2 Hours. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 

Act I. — New Year's Eve. Paul Albers arrives, expecting to marry 
Edna. Mr. Jarvis hears some plain truths. The mistake of Clarence. The 
mortgage. The marriage of Edna and Perry announced. Edna driven from 
home. 

Act II. — July, eighteen months later. Jarvis opens the big store. 
McNally receives a scare. Paul's gambling. Good advice thrown away. 
The overdue mortgage. Paul's theft. Edna accused. 

Act' III. — October, three months later. The distress of Schultz. 
Sheriff in charge. Edna's operatic success. An obdurate father. Arrest 
of Paul. Some lively bidding. Dolly's purchase. Schultz relents. Every- 
body happy. 



ROCKY FORD 

A Western Drama in Four Acts 

By BURTON L. SPILLER 



PRICE, 25 CENTS 



Eight male (2 may double), three female characters. One exterior, two 
interior scenes. Time, 2 hours. The action revolves around the theft ot a 
will by a gentlemanly villain, whereby Jack, a young ranchman (.lead), 
nearly loses not only a fortune, but also his affianced bride. Jack's two 
cowboy friexids come to his rescue, however, and through their timely 
interference the plan to defraud him is foiled. A Kentucky major and « 
middle-aged spinster have excellent comedy parts. 



MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. F. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10 4 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2J^ hours 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 2J4 hours.. 10 4 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; V& hours 9 6 

ISABEL, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hour's 9 3 

EITTEE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2J^ hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 234 hours 9 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2M hours 8 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2% hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

GREAT WINTERSON MENE . 3 Acts ; 2 hours 6 

SQUIRE THOMPKLNS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 5 

WHEN A MAN'S SENGEE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; lhour... 6 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DENAH'S QUILTENG PARTY. 1 Scene 5 *: 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene *30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; 1J^ hours , 19 15 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE . 2 Acts ; 2 hou a 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 1# h jurs 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. ' Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1^ hours 1 13 

OYER THE GARDEN IV ALL. (15 cents) 11 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. 



I 




COMEDIES AND 

25 CENTS EACH 



■_xE>i\ni\T ur IUNURES 

^__ 017 401 346 9 
DRAMA5 



BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acts; 2 hours 6 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2^ hours.. n 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2\& hours 9 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2J^ hours 8 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Acts;2hours 6 

EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts ; % hours 5 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 5 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; 1J^ hours 4 

JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 6 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 7 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 9 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2% hours 13 

NEXT DOOR. 3Acts;2hours 6 

PHYLLIS' S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours..... 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3Acts;2hours 5 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 6 Acts; 2^ hours 6 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 5 

WHAT'S NEXT? 8 Acts; Z& hours 7 

WHITE LIE. 4Acts; 2^hours 4 



WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours 8 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2*4 hours 11 

RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hours 6 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2^ hours... 5 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 9 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



